How's the weather?

In my Facebook feed today was a post from To Write Love on Her Arms, sharing a letter from Stephen Fry to a young woman with depression. I found it wonderfully insightful, and I hope you will take a moment to read it and perhaps pass it along to someone who needs to hear it. Which is everyone, I think.

As for me, I'm enjoying these lovely warm days but am longing for some rain to finally come. The idea of a long, dry, hot summer does not appeal to me in the least! It has kept the weeds down, I'll admit, but at this point I'd welcome a little greenery that doesn't look so parched and stressed!

Pippa came home today! She had her TPLO surgery yesterday, which went well, and we're so glad to have her home and on the mend. It'll be a long, slow recovery but well worth it in the end. She's very doped up, but so happy to be stretched out on her pillow at home.

Here's to hoping all the weather you encounter is pleasant!

Changes are a-brewin'!

OoFAH! Things are going to be a bit chaotic and dusty on the ol' blog here as I make preparations for the coming new year. I haven't journaled nearly enough this year, but that's okay because on the whole this year has been GOOD. Life has been changing, growing, and settling into its new and steady rhythm and I've been present for it, taking it all in. There were/are still challenges, but perspective has rendered them surmountable.

So the title will be changing, along with a post detailing the story behind it. In conjunction with that, I'll likely be more public with this blog which is something I miss from years ago. In fact, I don't think there are currently any comments here -which is how I like it for the time being- so if anyone actually does read this (I'd be surprised) I hope you'll stick around in the future. I'll be posting more about my life, my passions, my projects, and anything else that tickles my fancy.

Follow your bliss!

Bringin' it Back

Well how's that for coming full circle? My last post was about wanting to see Buckethead after his couple-year touring hiatus, and we just saw him Friday night at the Great American Music Hall in SF! Even though our evening in the city was kind of a bust the show was as great as always. I did feel bad that I didn't make him a little gift though; at past shows I've drawn him a little picture to thank him for sharing his music but I just didn't get my act together in time. Hopefully he'll come around again in fall -and even more hopefully, return to the Mystic in Petaluma!

And as per usual, life has been progressing at it's ever-forward pace. Thankfully, it's also been going well. Or at least, I've found a much more positive and further-reaching outlook on things and it really keeps things in perspective. I'll likely blabber on about things more in the future, but I'll just say life is good and you can experience it that way. :)

Until next time. Wishing you love, peace, and happiness!

These go to 11...

Man, I wish Buckethead was well enough to tour again. I'm digging Clutch again lately, too. Missed out on tickets for Beats Antique's Fillmore show though, hopefully they'll play Hopmonk in Sebastopol during Tribal Fest this year. Haven't been to a show of theirs but the music is good and the videos I've seen look like the live show is quite the experience.

But Buckethead! I have so missed his shows! When was the last time I saw him, 2008? Yeah, I think so...

I hope he's recovering well. It's rather selfish to wish he'd tour again, but he is just SO AMAZING.

It sounds like I could use a good night out with some loud music, eh?


In other news, I sold Stella today. Le sigh. I wish I had the brains and skill to have kept her, but an automatic is really what I need if I'm going to scoot. I ain'ts cool enough for the old school. :\ Ah well, if it's meant to be one will come my way. In the meantime the tires on my two bikes are pumped up and I can use the legwork...

OW OW OWWWWWW

I wonder if I'll ever be pain-free in my wrist and arm.

It seems the piano is lost to me (and not only because it went to its new home today), typing/mousing for more than 10 minutes or so is aggravating, any kind of house or yard work is just guaranteed for trouble. And creative ventures? I really haven't dared to try. Of course it doesn't help that I have very little inspirado-and what is there is fleeting.

But the sky and the yard and the air are so beautiful, and the puppies and the chickens and the goats all seem so happy and carefree, and there is such greatness and beauty and wonder to experience! So where can I fit in now with my adapted limitations? I still don't know! I can't yet see it!! I will get the answer, in time, I'm sure. But these past couple years have been so hard. So hard!

Pardon me while I vent my frustration over everything I've experienced and everything I've left undone.

So is this still "unresolved grief issues" or is this perhaps some lovely "unresolved anger issues", or is it simply Unexamined Life Issues? I'm thinking it's all tied up in that last one. Which is why I'm sure I would probably benefit from counseling. But ARGH I HATE having to peel back old wounds, much less having to scratch them ALL open again to have some stranger try and make sense of it all -when I sure as hell can't seem to.

I also probably shouldn't listen to moody piano music that I haven't listened to since Grandpa was still interested in hearing classical music, and why I shouldn't post so close to my cycle. And why I shouldn't have a swig of rum after not drinking for several months. Wrap that all up in a pipe and smoke it and see how productive and lucid you are.

And that's probably what's so frustrating!! I have all kinds of new ideas and things that need to be done but f if I can seem to carry it out -mentally or physically. I just want to lay out under the stars and have it all revealed!

Is that too much to ask?


In other news, our fence is finished. I have literally built a wall between myself and the happiest and safest place of my past. But it's not that place anymore. It really is the shell of what it once was; the heart, the family, has left it. And it is sad and painful to see. Every time I am there I find a new and deeper appreciation for what Grandma and Grandpa did to make it possible and to maintain it, and it's that much harder to see it empty and seemingly abandoned. I'm not sure what new tenants will mean. For one, it would mean I would no longer need to check on the place -indeed, I could no longer drop in or linger in the yard. But perhaps that would let/force me to say goodbye to it for real? Sometimes I think it would be best if it was cleared to the ground and the new tenants would start fresh. Sometimes I wish it would always be there, forever that haven of values and practicality and sense and hope.

God, I miss them.

I must be very damaged if I can't make my way through life at the age of nearly 35 without my mother, my grandmother, and my grandfather.

Form Follows Function?

I need to reconcile two diametrically opposed facets of my personality if I'm ever going to be creative again; the side that wants to create anything fun and/or beautiful to look at, and the side that wants things to have a practical function. As yet I have not found a middle ground.

Therefore... quotes!


“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.”
—F. Scott Fitzgerald

Oops. Fail.

"Form follows function - that has been misunderstood. Form and function should be one, joined in a spiritual union."
—Frank Lloyd Wright

Sounds good, if not rather sanctimonious...

"Frank Lloyd Wright... his things were beautiful but not very functional."
—David Byrne

Oh snap!

“Necessity is the mother of invention, it is true, but its father is creativity, and knowledge is the midwife”
—Jonathan Schattke

And what is the afterbirth, eh?

“It is only too true that a lot of artists are mentally ill- it's a life which, to put it mildly, makes one an outsider. I'm all right when I completely immerse myself in work, but I'll always remain half crazy.”
—Vincent van Gogh

It's the thinking about my work that makes me crazy...

“That terrible mood of depression of whether it's any good or not is what is known as The Artist's Reward.”
—Ernest Hemingway

Mm.

“Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can't try to do things. You simply must do things.”
—Ray Bradbury

Easier said than done, my friend!

Collection of the past...

Once again, I've fallen behind with journaling. And as it happens, there have been some monumentous life-changing events (and plenty of mundane ones, as well). As yet I am still too emotional and uncollected to put my thoughts down about the whole thing, but I managed to copy and paste my Facebook statuses of the past few months, beginning with today's and progressing back through August...

Had a great eye test, picked up two lovely wreaths at Whole Foods (it was next to the optometrist and they were very reasonable!), got in touch with my orthopedist to start a new physical therapy routine, and had tasty soup and sandwiches for dinner. All in all a pretty good day! (Sure, there were some hiccups along the way, but let's accentuate the positive, shall we?) :)
2 hours ago

Off for my first eye exam in 6+ years, with fingers crossed... ;)
12 hours ago

Back from a tasty dinner with Ian, my Dad, Judy, Jim, Beki, and the adorable miss Lucy Bleaux. It's been quite a while since we've attended a dinner without a "Ballert conversation." (I still enjoy those, though not as much without the actual Ballerts). ;)
November 28th at 8:30pm

On this frosty morning Ian and Roy are preparing to fire up the chainsaw, and I am redonning my workclothes for another round in my Grandparent's garage. Later this evening we'll fire up the grill for apple-blackberry crisp-pie and other tasty eats! I am thankful for all the people I've labored, cried, and laughed with this year! :)
November 25 at 9:06am

[Michelle Heran] is covered in dirt and dust from exploring and sorting 60 years worth of tools and garage kipple, and I LOVE IT! >:D
So far the break down is 10% keep, 25% reuse, 25% recycle, 38% trash, and 2% ohdeargodisthisatomicwaste. Not bad, LOL.
November 24 at 2:15pm

Rain, you are seriously cramping my work plans for this week! D:<
November 22 at 9:05am

Just photographed over 200 slides, only to learn that the projector screen has pronounced vertical lines when photographed. Guess a slide scanner will be on the Christmas list after all... :\
November 21 at 5:09pm

Five people on my news feed have posted about pancakes! No fair. Though my tall chai tea along with a tasty banana was a pretty swell breakfast.
November 21 at 11:38am

Saturday night is Lawrence Welk night. That's just the way it is!
(this clip was on tonight's episode...)
Thanksgiving 11 Joe Feeney and The Welk Choir - Be Thankful
www.youtube.com
Happy Thanksgiving - This clip is from the 1973 Lawrence Welk Thanksgiving show.
November 20 at 8:49pm

Moved some plants out of the porch and into the Shasta for the winter, and now I want to spend more time in it! Amazing what a few plants can do for even a tiny space. :)
November 18 at 5:39pm

A good day, but a verrrry hard day. It now definitely feels like the world I've known for 34 years is gone forever. God only knows what comes next! (Something good, kplzthnx?)
November 16 at 6:20pm

Oh my head. urff.
November 15 at 10:48pm
Cherie Simpson Heran: headache? sinus? Will keep you in my prayers today! Hope you feel better this morning.
November 16 at 7:14am
Michelle Heran: It's twofold; I learned yesterday from the doctor that I've literally cried myself sick (my nasal/sinus passages are raw and enflamed), and last night we got together with my aunts, Evan, and Kelly and had a long yacking/laugh marathon. I'll feel better once I've had some tea and a warm compress. :)
November 16 at 8:10am
Cherie Simpson Heran: awww. I am glad you had some good laughs. The crying and the laughing releases endorphins, so that is healing also.
November 16 at 9:55am

Today was a good day. :)
November 13 at 8:25pm
Kelly McClellan, Evan Ballert-Dalrymple and Joanne Ballert-George like this.
Joanne Ballert-George: I agree. A beautiful fall day.
November 13 at 8:29pm
Michelle Heran: And productive! And tasty! :)
November 13 at 8:33pm

Back from an awesome thrifting and Fruit Basket fig bar run!
November 11 at 1:27pm
Evan Ballert-Dalrymple likes this.
Cherie Simpson Heran: really? what thrifting? What did you find?
November 11 at 3:00pm
Michelle Heran: Just stopped at the Church Mouse (by the firehouse) on impulse; picked up another complete Super Scrabble (for $1.95!), a sweet upholstered desk chair, an adorable wooden robot toy to add to our nephew & niece toybox, a hummingbird feeder, and some craft stuff. I'm kind of overwhelmed by all the Christmas stuff in the stores already!
November 11 at 3:43pm
Cherie Simpson Heran: Yeah. retailers are hurting, they will do anything to get you to buy early.
Sounds like some good finds. You never know about C.M. sometimes you really score.and other times, not so much.
November 11 at 7:12pm

OMG, Sherlock episode 3 = epic cliffhangerrrrrr!! D:
November 9 at 12:48pm

So much for being productive today; still feel sluggish, and these warm cozy pets aren't helping. ;)
November 9 at 10:52am

Going to drag myself into the shower, then brew some delicious tea and collapse on the couch to watch the first episode of the new Sherlock Holmes. That should keep my cold at bay, methinks.
November 8 at 10:42am

I think I definitely have a cold. Whoopie. :\
November 7 at 9:51pm

I don't often say it, but I do love my family. :)
November 6 at 8:25pm
Joanne Ballert-George, Kelly McClellan, Erik Heran and 2 others like this.
Susan Ballert McClellan Me too!
November 6 at 9:31pm
Christine George Me three!!!
November 7 at 4:11am
Joanne Ballert-George Count me in too!
November 7 at 6:42am

Leaving for Grandpa's memorial in a bit; prepared to do a lot of blubbering, but I know there will be much happiness as well. :)
November 6 at 9:30am

Finally finished the roof over the chicken run. Only took me about four years to do it. :P At least they have more non-tarp-covered space for the rainy days ahead!
November 4 at 6:53pm

Back from a very beautiful and restful anniversary weekend on the Bodega coast. The sun is shining and the field is already green again! Moment by moment, step by step, we move forward. :)
November 1 at 1:29pm

Not mentioned: his ability to touch his nose with his tongue when Grandma wasn't looking (and feign innocence when I started laughing and she caught him); his painless splinter removal technique; his penchant for doling out rolls of gold dollars to his grandkids; the silly Victor Borge-esque noises he'd make in reply to our dumb questions; and millions of other little things that I never want to forget... :)
Herman O. Ballert, Retired Lt. Col.
October 29 at 10:28am

Many years ago my Grandparents biked along with me on my first bike and gave me the first push when it was time for the training wheels to come off. My whole life has been spent between their guiding and encouraging hands, and today Grandpa quietly released his grip. The road ahead is unseen but full of joy; I'm looking forward to the time when I can again see them both smiling back at me. :)
October 27 at 8:15pm

I don't know why it is this way, but I desperately miss my mother right now. And my Grandma. And I'd give almost anything to share another laugh with Grandpa. This year needs to stop.
October 26 at 5:16pm

‎"Seize from every moment its uniqueness, especially this week." -fortune cookie from today's lunch.
October 26 at 1:07pm

Despite all the time I've had to prepare, I'm just not ready. There's just no-one who can take Grandpa's place. And 34 is too young to have no parents or grandparents, I say!
October 25 at 9:52pm

Dreamt I found Duckie out in the rain; I always miss my ducks most when it rains -the sounds of their webbed feet waddling from puddle to puddle as they quacked excitedly over all the tasty critters they discovered dabbling in the mud. Bittersweet rainy day.
October 24 at 11:17am

Dear sweet Jesus, why do knees have no padding??!!
October 23 at 6:07pm

Part Two (of two) of the bedroom floor re-do is underway. How did I accumulate all this crap and where did I think I was going to put it??!
October 23 at 1:17pm

Crap. Why didn't I get a tarp for the Shasta before the rain? I mean, I expected a trailer of that vintage to have leaks, but I was hoping for a pleasant surprise. Alas, no such luck. :(
October 22 at 10:30am

Happy was a champ at the vet and is stitch-free now (though he'll always have a Frankenbelly). He's got $50 worth of his special new diet –here's hoping it lasts a good while! Gotta keep our Happy happy! :)
October 20 at 11:11am

Holey Shnikeys. Happy's new prescription diet is $20 for a 6 pound bag. ...and I thought Poo's was bad at $8. D:
October 19 at 11:38am

First rainy day of fall. ♥
October 17 at 11:29am

Apple Blackberry Crisp Pie and Chocolate Raspberry pancakes... the house smells delicious! :)
October 17 at 9:37am

RAWR. Dog kennel roof DONE. I am all that is awesome! Time for an Ace Perry Cider tall boy...
October 16 at 6:39pm

Dude, how can you NOT rock out to Carry On My Wayward Son?! :D
October 13 at 1:03pm

I like Kansas (the band). There, I said it.
October 13 at 10:09am

It's so hard to believe a year has gone by... I miss you, Grandma!
October 11 at 9:01am

Happy is home! Very tired and sore, but everything went well. We'll now within a couple weeks what his future diet and care will be like, but for now we're happy to have Happy home again! :)
October 7 at 4:17pm

Ohhh Lordy. I've been looking online at the special diet Happy will have to have from now on, and WOW is it expensive. All the down-sizing and rehoming we've been planning is going to have to happen posthaste. D:
October 6 at 3:07pm

Happy is out of surgery! It went well and they removed two large stones. They're keeping him until tomorrow afternoon for pain management and monitoring. A night without Happy? I miss my little fluff boy!
October 6 at 12:38pm

Happy is going in for surgery. Poor little guy has been giving me pitiful looks all morning since I didn't give him his breakfast kibble. He'll probably never want to go anywhere in the car again after all this... :(
October 6 at 9:14am

Well the vet technicians took Xrays of Happy and told me the doctor would review them tomorrow, but that I should withhold his food tonight as he'll likely be having surgery tomorrow. Apparently he has serious bladder stones, but they couldn't tell me any more than that. Very sudden and rather scary! :(
October 5 at 11:36am

is totally exhausted but so contented after a long day with family celebrating the birthdays of Kelly and Grandpa. :)
October 3 at 10:39pm

Happy 87th birthday to Grandpa Herman!! We're having a quiet day today, then a family BBQ tomorrow -so glad the weather has cooled down!
October 2 at 7:51am

Hmmm, a cross-country train trip (one way) is slightly less than a roundtrip cross-country flight... and I've always wanted to see the country. What to do, what to do?
October 1 at 11:07pm

‎"Thank everyone who calls out your faults, your anger, your impatience, your egotism; do this consciously, voluntarily." -Jean Toomer
October 1 at 8:01am

‎"Things turn out the best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out." -today's daily inspirational quote page. :)
September 30 at 8:45am

So saddened to hear of the passing of Michael Holmes. He was one of my greatest teachers at the Academy, and his communications class was one of the reasons I no longer fear public speaking (as much). I always left his class with a smile and something interesting to think about.
Michael Holmes
September 27 at 4:47pm

‎:D :D :D :D :D :D :D Shasta tomorrow!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
September 24 at 5:36pm

Ian's off to a men's retreat with his dad and I received his indulgent blessing for my craziness! *gleeful grin* All I'll say for now is, Shasta isn't just a soda (or a location)! :D
September 24 at 2:40pm

‎*fingers crossed* !!! :B
September 24 at 9:09am

How did it get to be Thursday night already? Wasn't it just Monday?? Where has my week gone!?
September 23 at 8:04pm

is torn. A lot of work for something really awesome; a bit of work for something pretty cool; or neither and wait for something potentially better?
September 23 at 9:32am

It looks like Happy has a UTI, though we're still keeping our fingers crossed that no crystals or stones show up under the microscope. True to his name, he's perfectly happy and acting fine. Of course, he hasn't had his first pill yet... (he hates pills).
September 21 at 5:31pm

AND my car just died down at my neighbor's house. Swell!
September 21 at 11:30am

Happy's going to the vet, pink pee is never a good sign! :(
September 21 at 10:48am

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." -Nelson Mandela
September 21 at 9:33am

Going through my grandparent's slides and taking pics of the viewer with my camera... such amazing history! :)
September 18 at 12:02pm

is hatching a pretty crazy idea... :B
September 17 at 11:54am

It's so good to know a great plumber. You need more "blue-collar" friends, trust me.
September 16 at 1:32pm

So I realize I'm pretty naive about this, but... can you be in a travel trailer while it's moving? Like, without seatbelts? Just flippin' pancakes on a gas stove or havin' a sit on the port-o-pot while you're hurtling along at 55mph?
September 15 at 10:59pm

Ask me how thrilled I am that the bird-scare machines have started up in the vineyards. Go on, ask me. It starts with the rifle/firework-whistle kind and will progress to the deafening digital crickets -and hopefully they got them fixed so they won't run at night like they did last year...
September 14 at 2:53pm

It's nice to know that after 20 years as friends and confidants I can tell Ian a crazy plan or idea and he won't crush it. :)
September 12 at 2:20pm

First time vacuuming with Grandma's old Rainbow was a success! Less noise, more mobility, and no dust sneaking out the vents. I wanted to keep vacuuming until the water was still mostly clear, but after five tubs of what looked like chocolate pudding thickened with dog hair I had to call it quits -there's only so many hours in a day after all. ;)
September 10 at 3:40pm

Home again, home again, nappitty-nap. :)
September 6 at 12:52pm

Had a tasty and fun belated birthday dinner for Evan with Ian and Grandpa! :)
September 5 at 6:52pm

So many neat things and great deals this weekend and I have no money or time to enjoy them. Boo. Ah well, at least the weather is supposed to be cooler...
September 3 at 11:25am

is watching Citizen Architect and ironing Grandpa's shirts. Quiet afternoon.
August 31 at 2:19pm

loves it when a song is even more awesome after not hearing it for years!
August 30 at 8:49pm

It was 82º in our house when we went to bed at 11 last night. And not ten minutes after I brought the fan into the bedroom the power went out for the second time, and was out until 3am. Slept lousy, my oldest surviving chicken died, and I'm grumpy as heck...
August 25 at 9:17am

Is relieved the power is back on -not that we have any cooling devices that depend on it, but not having water in this heat is impossible! Though I did enjoy the outdoor evening chat with Ian while the full moon rose. :)
August 24 at 8:44pm

Savory tomato pie in the oven, fingers crossed that it comes out delicious!
August 23 at 7:01pm

So apparently I need to finish the roof on the chicken run. The new guy took a stroll this morning (and terrorized Roy and Ian); thankfully I just clucked to him and he let me pick him up with no problem. I guess he just likes the company of women. ;)
August 22 at 12:35pm

There's crowing around the Heran homestead again! :D
August 21 at 1:18pm

Making and canning applesauce, applesauce, applesauce! Also, sticky kitchen floor, whee!
August 20 at 3:25pm

Tuesday is tomato sauce day! Chop, chop, simmer, simmer, pack and can! A long day in the kitchen ahead, but I'm looking forward to it. :)
August 17 at 10:48am

Is convinced that Jalapenos do not want to be consumed; my hands are on fire. FIRE, I tell you.
August 15 at 9:01pm

It doesn't seem fair that neat and orderly books take up more space than ramshackle books. Oh well, at least they look a lot better and are easier to find!
August 14 at 7:06pm

Back from a couple hours of intellectual (and literal) simmering with my awesome husband in our generous neighbor's hot tub. Feeling much more relaxed and focused, if I only I could bottle it up for later!
August 14 at 12:09am

I suppose it's a good thing that my MRI showed no "anatomic variant that could be corrected", but the prospect of months and months of therapy and terrible anti-inflammatory side-effects has left me feeling even more frustrated, overwhelmed, and directionless. There's just so little I can do with my hand/arm that I jus...
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August 12 at 8:14pm

The reward for the hardworking guys -okay, and for hardworking me, too! Blackberry cobbler on the left side, apple crisp on the right. Both are wonderful -even though the cobbler stained our teeth BLACK (what's that all about? Is it because of the cast iron skillet??).
August 8 at 9:21pm