Collection of the past...

Once again, I've fallen behind with journaling. And as it happens, there have been some monumentous life-changing events (and plenty of mundane ones, as well). As yet I am still too emotional and uncollected to put my thoughts down about the whole thing, but I managed to copy and paste my Facebook statuses of the past few months, beginning with today's and progressing back through August...

Had a great eye test, picked up two lovely wreaths at Whole Foods (it was next to the optometrist and they were very reasonable!), got in touch with my orthopedist to start a new physical therapy routine, and had tasty soup and sandwiches for dinner. All in all a pretty good day! (Sure, there were some hiccups along the way, but let's accentuate the positive, shall we?) :)
2 hours ago

Off for my first eye exam in 6+ years, with fingers crossed... ;)
12 hours ago

Back from a tasty dinner with Ian, my Dad, Judy, Jim, Beki, and the adorable miss Lucy Bleaux. It's been quite a while since we've attended a dinner without a "Ballert conversation." (I still enjoy those, though not as much without the actual Ballerts). ;)
November 28th at 8:30pm

On this frosty morning Ian and Roy are preparing to fire up the chainsaw, and I am redonning my workclothes for another round in my Grandparent's garage. Later this evening we'll fire up the grill for apple-blackberry crisp-pie and other tasty eats! I am thankful for all the people I've labored, cried, and laughed with this year! :)
November 25 at 9:06am

[Michelle Heran] is covered in dirt and dust from exploring and sorting 60 years worth of tools and garage kipple, and I LOVE IT! >:D
So far the break down is 10% keep, 25% reuse, 25% recycle, 38% trash, and 2% ohdeargodisthisatomicwaste. Not bad, LOL.
November 24 at 2:15pm

Rain, you are seriously cramping my work plans for this week! D:<
November 22 at 9:05am

Just photographed over 200 slides, only to learn that the projector screen has pronounced vertical lines when photographed. Guess a slide scanner will be on the Christmas list after all... :\
November 21 at 5:09pm

Five people on my news feed have posted about pancakes! No fair. Though my tall chai tea along with a tasty banana was a pretty swell breakfast.
November 21 at 11:38am

Saturday night is Lawrence Welk night. That's just the way it is!
(this clip was on tonight's episode...)
Thanksgiving 11 Joe Feeney and The Welk Choir - Be Thankful
www.youtube.com
Happy Thanksgiving - This clip is from the 1973 Lawrence Welk Thanksgiving show.
November 20 at 8:49pm

Moved some plants out of the porch and into the Shasta for the winter, and now I want to spend more time in it! Amazing what a few plants can do for even a tiny space. :)
November 18 at 5:39pm

A good day, but a verrrry hard day. It now definitely feels like the world I've known for 34 years is gone forever. God only knows what comes next! (Something good, kplzthnx?)
November 16 at 6:20pm

Oh my head. urff.
November 15 at 10:48pm
Cherie Simpson Heran: headache? sinus? Will keep you in my prayers today! Hope you feel better this morning.
November 16 at 7:14am
Michelle Heran: It's twofold; I learned yesterday from the doctor that I've literally cried myself sick (my nasal/sinus passages are raw and enflamed), and last night we got together with my aunts, Evan, and Kelly and had a long yacking/laugh marathon. I'll feel better once I've had some tea and a warm compress. :)
November 16 at 8:10am
Cherie Simpson Heran: awww. I am glad you had some good laughs. The crying and the laughing releases endorphins, so that is healing also.
November 16 at 9:55am

Today was a good day. :)
November 13 at 8:25pm
Kelly McClellan, Evan Ballert-Dalrymple and Joanne Ballert-George like this.
Joanne Ballert-George: I agree. A beautiful fall day.
November 13 at 8:29pm
Michelle Heran: And productive! And tasty! :)
November 13 at 8:33pm

Back from an awesome thrifting and Fruit Basket fig bar run!
November 11 at 1:27pm
Evan Ballert-Dalrymple likes this.
Cherie Simpson Heran: really? what thrifting? What did you find?
November 11 at 3:00pm
Michelle Heran: Just stopped at the Church Mouse (by the firehouse) on impulse; picked up another complete Super Scrabble (for $1.95!), a sweet upholstered desk chair, an adorable wooden robot toy to add to our nephew & niece toybox, a hummingbird feeder, and some craft stuff. I'm kind of overwhelmed by all the Christmas stuff in the stores already!
November 11 at 3:43pm
Cherie Simpson Heran: Yeah. retailers are hurting, they will do anything to get you to buy early.
Sounds like some good finds. You never know about C.M. sometimes you really score.and other times, not so much.
November 11 at 7:12pm

OMG, Sherlock episode 3 = epic cliffhangerrrrrr!! D:
November 9 at 12:48pm

So much for being productive today; still feel sluggish, and these warm cozy pets aren't helping. ;)
November 9 at 10:52am

Going to drag myself into the shower, then brew some delicious tea and collapse on the couch to watch the first episode of the new Sherlock Holmes. That should keep my cold at bay, methinks.
November 8 at 10:42am

I think I definitely have a cold. Whoopie. :\
November 7 at 9:51pm

I don't often say it, but I do love my family. :)
November 6 at 8:25pm
Joanne Ballert-George, Kelly McClellan, Erik Heran and 2 others like this.
Susan Ballert McClellan Me too!
November 6 at 9:31pm
Christine George Me three!!!
November 7 at 4:11am
Joanne Ballert-George Count me in too!
November 7 at 6:42am

Leaving for Grandpa's memorial in a bit; prepared to do a lot of blubbering, but I know there will be much happiness as well. :)
November 6 at 9:30am

Finally finished the roof over the chicken run. Only took me about four years to do it. :P At least they have more non-tarp-covered space for the rainy days ahead!
November 4 at 6:53pm

Back from a very beautiful and restful anniversary weekend on the Bodega coast. The sun is shining and the field is already green again! Moment by moment, step by step, we move forward. :)
November 1 at 1:29pm

Not mentioned: his ability to touch his nose with his tongue when Grandma wasn't looking (and feign innocence when I started laughing and she caught him); his painless splinter removal technique; his penchant for doling out rolls of gold dollars to his grandkids; the silly Victor Borge-esque noises he'd make in reply to our dumb questions; and millions of other little things that I never want to forget... :)
Herman O. Ballert, Retired Lt. Col.
October 29 at 10:28am

Many years ago my Grandparents biked along with me on my first bike and gave me the first push when it was time for the training wheels to come off. My whole life has been spent between their guiding and encouraging hands, and today Grandpa quietly released his grip. The road ahead is unseen but full of joy; I'm looking forward to the time when I can again see them both smiling back at me. :)
October 27 at 8:15pm

I don't know why it is this way, but I desperately miss my mother right now. And my Grandma. And I'd give almost anything to share another laugh with Grandpa. This year needs to stop.
October 26 at 5:16pm

‎"Seize from every moment its uniqueness, especially this week." -fortune cookie from today's lunch.
October 26 at 1:07pm

Despite all the time I've had to prepare, I'm just not ready. There's just no-one who can take Grandpa's place. And 34 is too young to have no parents or grandparents, I say!
October 25 at 9:52pm

Dreamt I found Duckie out in the rain; I always miss my ducks most when it rains -the sounds of their webbed feet waddling from puddle to puddle as they quacked excitedly over all the tasty critters they discovered dabbling in the mud. Bittersweet rainy day.
October 24 at 11:17am

Dear sweet Jesus, why do knees have no padding??!!
October 23 at 6:07pm

Part Two (of two) of the bedroom floor re-do is underway. How did I accumulate all this crap and where did I think I was going to put it??!
October 23 at 1:17pm

Crap. Why didn't I get a tarp for the Shasta before the rain? I mean, I expected a trailer of that vintage to have leaks, but I was hoping for a pleasant surprise. Alas, no such luck. :(
October 22 at 10:30am

Happy was a champ at the vet and is stitch-free now (though he'll always have a Frankenbelly). He's got $50 worth of his special new diet –here's hoping it lasts a good while! Gotta keep our Happy happy! :)
October 20 at 11:11am

Holey Shnikeys. Happy's new prescription diet is $20 for a 6 pound bag. ...and I thought Poo's was bad at $8. D:
October 19 at 11:38am

First rainy day of fall. ♥
October 17 at 11:29am

Apple Blackberry Crisp Pie and Chocolate Raspberry pancakes... the house smells delicious! :)
October 17 at 9:37am

RAWR. Dog kennel roof DONE. I am all that is awesome! Time for an Ace Perry Cider tall boy...
October 16 at 6:39pm

Dude, how can you NOT rock out to Carry On My Wayward Son?! :D
October 13 at 1:03pm

I like Kansas (the band). There, I said it.
October 13 at 10:09am

It's so hard to believe a year has gone by... I miss you, Grandma!
October 11 at 9:01am

Happy is home! Very tired and sore, but everything went well. We'll now within a couple weeks what his future diet and care will be like, but for now we're happy to have Happy home again! :)
October 7 at 4:17pm

Ohhh Lordy. I've been looking online at the special diet Happy will have to have from now on, and WOW is it expensive. All the down-sizing and rehoming we've been planning is going to have to happen posthaste. D:
October 6 at 3:07pm

Happy is out of surgery! It went well and they removed two large stones. They're keeping him until tomorrow afternoon for pain management and monitoring. A night without Happy? I miss my little fluff boy!
October 6 at 12:38pm

Happy is going in for surgery. Poor little guy has been giving me pitiful looks all morning since I didn't give him his breakfast kibble. He'll probably never want to go anywhere in the car again after all this... :(
October 6 at 9:14am

Well the vet technicians took Xrays of Happy and told me the doctor would review them tomorrow, but that I should withhold his food tonight as he'll likely be having surgery tomorrow. Apparently he has serious bladder stones, but they couldn't tell me any more than that. Very sudden and rather scary! :(
October 5 at 11:36am

is totally exhausted but so contented after a long day with family celebrating the birthdays of Kelly and Grandpa. :)
October 3 at 10:39pm

Happy 87th birthday to Grandpa Herman!! We're having a quiet day today, then a family BBQ tomorrow -so glad the weather has cooled down!
October 2 at 7:51am

Hmmm, a cross-country train trip (one way) is slightly less than a roundtrip cross-country flight... and I've always wanted to see the country. What to do, what to do?
October 1 at 11:07pm

‎"Thank everyone who calls out your faults, your anger, your impatience, your egotism; do this consciously, voluntarily." -Jean Toomer
October 1 at 8:01am

‎"Things turn out the best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out." -today's daily inspirational quote page. :)
September 30 at 8:45am

So saddened to hear of the passing of Michael Holmes. He was one of my greatest teachers at the Academy, and his communications class was one of the reasons I no longer fear public speaking (as much). I always left his class with a smile and something interesting to think about.
Michael Holmes
September 27 at 4:47pm

‎:D :D :D :D :D :D :D Shasta tomorrow!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
September 24 at 5:36pm

Ian's off to a men's retreat with his dad and I received his indulgent blessing for my craziness! *gleeful grin* All I'll say for now is, Shasta isn't just a soda (or a location)! :D
September 24 at 2:40pm

‎*fingers crossed* !!! :B
September 24 at 9:09am

How did it get to be Thursday night already? Wasn't it just Monday?? Where has my week gone!?
September 23 at 8:04pm

is torn. A lot of work for something really awesome; a bit of work for something pretty cool; or neither and wait for something potentially better?
September 23 at 9:32am

It looks like Happy has a UTI, though we're still keeping our fingers crossed that no crystals or stones show up under the microscope. True to his name, he's perfectly happy and acting fine. Of course, he hasn't had his first pill yet... (he hates pills).
September 21 at 5:31pm

AND my car just died down at my neighbor's house. Swell!
September 21 at 11:30am

Happy's going to the vet, pink pee is never a good sign! :(
September 21 at 10:48am

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." -Nelson Mandela
September 21 at 9:33am

Going through my grandparent's slides and taking pics of the viewer with my camera... such amazing history! :)
September 18 at 12:02pm

is hatching a pretty crazy idea... :B
September 17 at 11:54am

It's so good to know a great plumber. You need more "blue-collar" friends, trust me.
September 16 at 1:32pm

So I realize I'm pretty naive about this, but... can you be in a travel trailer while it's moving? Like, without seatbelts? Just flippin' pancakes on a gas stove or havin' a sit on the port-o-pot while you're hurtling along at 55mph?
September 15 at 10:59pm

Ask me how thrilled I am that the bird-scare machines have started up in the vineyards. Go on, ask me. It starts with the rifle/firework-whistle kind and will progress to the deafening digital crickets -and hopefully they got them fixed so they won't run at night like they did last year...
September 14 at 2:53pm

It's nice to know that after 20 years as friends and confidants I can tell Ian a crazy plan or idea and he won't crush it. :)
September 12 at 2:20pm

First time vacuuming with Grandma's old Rainbow was a success! Less noise, more mobility, and no dust sneaking out the vents. I wanted to keep vacuuming until the water was still mostly clear, but after five tubs of what looked like chocolate pudding thickened with dog hair I had to call it quits -there's only so many hours in a day after all. ;)
September 10 at 3:40pm

Home again, home again, nappitty-nap. :)
September 6 at 12:52pm

Had a tasty and fun belated birthday dinner for Evan with Ian and Grandpa! :)
September 5 at 6:52pm

So many neat things and great deals this weekend and I have no money or time to enjoy them. Boo. Ah well, at least the weather is supposed to be cooler...
September 3 at 11:25am

is watching Citizen Architect and ironing Grandpa's shirts. Quiet afternoon.
August 31 at 2:19pm

loves it when a song is even more awesome after not hearing it for years!
August 30 at 8:49pm

It was 82º in our house when we went to bed at 11 last night. And not ten minutes after I brought the fan into the bedroom the power went out for the second time, and was out until 3am. Slept lousy, my oldest surviving chicken died, and I'm grumpy as heck...
August 25 at 9:17am

Is relieved the power is back on -not that we have any cooling devices that depend on it, but not having water in this heat is impossible! Though I did enjoy the outdoor evening chat with Ian while the full moon rose. :)
August 24 at 8:44pm

Savory tomato pie in the oven, fingers crossed that it comes out delicious!
August 23 at 7:01pm

So apparently I need to finish the roof on the chicken run. The new guy took a stroll this morning (and terrorized Roy and Ian); thankfully I just clucked to him and he let me pick him up with no problem. I guess he just likes the company of women. ;)
August 22 at 12:35pm

There's crowing around the Heran homestead again! :D
August 21 at 1:18pm

Making and canning applesauce, applesauce, applesauce! Also, sticky kitchen floor, whee!
August 20 at 3:25pm

Tuesday is tomato sauce day! Chop, chop, simmer, simmer, pack and can! A long day in the kitchen ahead, but I'm looking forward to it. :)
August 17 at 10:48am

Is convinced that Jalapenos do not want to be consumed; my hands are on fire. FIRE, I tell you.
August 15 at 9:01pm

It doesn't seem fair that neat and orderly books take up more space than ramshackle books. Oh well, at least they look a lot better and are easier to find!
August 14 at 7:06pm

Back from a couple hours of intellectual (and literal) simmering with my awesome husband in our generous neighbor's hot tub. Feeling much more relaxed and focused, if I only I could bottle it up for later!
August 14 at 12:09am

I suppose it's a good thing that my MRI showed no "anatomic variant that could be corrected", but the prospect of months and months of therapy and terrible anti-inflammatory side-effects has left me feeling even more frustrated, overwhelmed, and directionless. There's just so little I can do with my hand/arm that I jus...
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August 12 at 8:14pm

The reward for the hardworking guys -okay, and for hardworking me, too! Blackberry cobbler on the left side, apple crisp on the right. Both are wonderful -even though the cobbler stained our teeth BLACK (what's that all about? Is it because of the cast iron skillet??).
August 8 at 9:21pm

Holding On

My mind has been a roller-coaster of emotions for the past several months.

Starting last summer with Grandma's diagnosis and passing away; progressing with Grandpa's care; Ian's Lymphoma-no-wait-it's-Sarcoidosis; my ulnar neuritis circus of pain; and finally Grandpa's diagnosis and transition into hospice care. Plus the drugs that are supposed to help my inflammation wreak havoc on my body and mental state. Most times I think it'd be better to just deal with the pain, but when I stop the meds I nearly go crazy. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

But it's not all bad. Ian is still wonderful with his beautiful blue eyes and warm smile; the puppies are always eager to give kisses and love; Mr.Poo deigns to let me pet him from time to time; the sun and moon continue to pass overhead through the seasons, and I'm alive to experience all these things.

I'm still optimistic, I still have Hope, I still want to experience everything life has in store for me. The secure foundations of my life have never changed, even when they pass to a place where I can no longer touch them, they are still there. Always.



In lighter news, I found a perfect little rooster for my new flock! A nice young woman in Petaluma had been keeping Roodle for a few months, but the landlord needed to rent one of the units and the rooster had to go. He is a handsome fellow, and is so happy with his little harem. I can't tell you how much I love hearing his crow! It's slightly different than LaRoo's (of course), but just as vibrant and proud. Hopefully in another month or two I can let them out for a little while each day, I just know they'll enjoy picking through all the tasty weeds and greenery.

Life thus far...

I keep forgetting that Facebook makes for such poor journaling, and can never seem to click over and make a proper entry here. Ah well, time to play catch-up...

- Ian's mediastinoscopy was successful and revealed that he does not have lymphoma; instead he has sarcoidosis, which will require regular monitoring but thankfully they think he doesn't need treatment at the moment. He's also borderline diabetic with a bad liver, so doing the steroid treatment would essentially make that explode. So we're trying to get healthy and loose weight again.

- I lost nearly all of my flock to a coyote/fox attack, only one Cuckoo and Fifi were spared. A month ago I got six month-old chicks; two black Australorps, two Rhode Island Reds, and two gold-laced Wyandottes. All are doing well despite being locked in the coop 24/7. I'd like to get a bantam roo, but... who knows.

- We learned Happy has allergies, something seasonal or weed related. We had such a cool wet Spring and now such a cool Summer that the weeds have just been growing and blooming forever.

- Had some good times with my brother and cousins while they were out here visiting. I wish everyone lived closer or could travel easier; it's always so good to see them. :)

- Grandpa had a PETscan yesterday to get a better picture of the "worrisome spot" on his lung. We won't have a review of it until next Tuesday with Dr.Eberhard, but it's unlikely to be benign. It's so, so hard to see him sort of wasting away -he's not losing weight or anything, it's just the slow and steady loss of abilities, and I know it's rough on him too. Sometimes I just wish I could stop time and have everything be fixed, but I know it doesn't work that way. "Life IS pain, Highness. Anyone who says different is selling something." :P

- I had a nerve conduction test on Friday which HURT, but showed that my nerves are undamaged but that I'm also borderline carpal tunnel syndrome in my right hand, whoopee! So it's definitely ulnar neuritis (not neuropathy) and I have to go on anti-inflammatories for an "extended period" and have an MRI next Thursday. Just so long as I never have to have the shock treatment again, GAH! For the past three nights I've taken a vicodin at bedtime, and it's given me at least five hours of solid sleep, which is way more that before but I still have to deal with it during the day. Hopefully the anti-inflammatories will help. Sweet baby Jesus, I hope so.

- Ian's all set to have his shoulder surgery on Thursday to repair his labrum tear. Eight weeks in a sling, whee!

- Our house has cancer. At least, that's what I'm going to call all the rot –house cancer. We knew the back porch was stage IV, the old bathroom seemed to have had a successful excision, and we thought the bedroom was cancer-free... BUT NO. In removing all the bookcases and dressers to make room for the new bookcases, I peeked under the plywood –visions of the new subfloor and vinyl tile dancing gaily through my head– and beheld several rotted holes. *poof* There went the visions of quick new flooring. I put the carpet back in place and just walked away. Not ready to deal with that. Can't even bring myself to take up all the plywood and have a real good look. It's just going to be massive, I know it, all the flooring and joists and probably the walls and foundations will just be wasted away from house cancer. Feckle-dee-feck-FECK. Ian's going to be in a sling for months, I'm useless, and we have negative amounts of money. WHAT NOW?

I'm just going to go live in a tent in the back yard. Heck, maybe I'll move in with the chickens.

Ian's Progress

Today we had the pre-op appointment with the doctor that will be doing Ian's biopsy. He's a cardiothoracic surgeon and will be performing a mediastinoscopy in order to retrieve some lymph tissue for pathology. Both he and the nurse were very nice and explained everything, including the risks involved. They also suggested Ian fill out an Advance Health Care Directive "just because," which really brought it home for me how serious everything is. I mean, he has to have surgery in order to figure out what's wrong with him.

We also got the results of his abdomen CTscan yesterday:

*History*

Extensive mediastinal and hilar lymphadenopathy

*Findings*

...Subcentimeter short axis diameter lymph nodes in the epigastrium, para-aortic areas, inguinal areas and mesentery. Given the lymphadenopathy in the chest followup surveillance is recommended.

Liver, adrenal glands pancreas and kidneys are unremarkable. Nonspecific 7mm low attenuation lesion in the posterior spleen.

Minimal spina bifida occulta L5 posteriorly.

*Impression*

Posterior inferior mediastinal lymphadenopathy. Subcentimeter short axis diameter lymph nodes in the abdomen or pelvis. Given the number of these and the lymphadenopathy in the chest, followup surveillance of the abdomen and pelvis is recommended when followup chest CTscan is obtained.

Nonspecific 7mm low attenuation lesion in the posterior spleen.

Action required notification sent.

The doctor also tried to say that we shouldn't jump to conclusions that it's lymphoma, though the other possibilities (infection, lung cancer, sarcoidosis) really don't match what we've seen. And like Ian said, I think I'll go with what Dr.Reed said since she's an internal medicine doc and former oncologist. But it's true, we really won't know what we're dealing with until we get a chunk of lymph out of Ian's chest.

Hopefully everything will be much clearer then. It's all quite scary and grey right now.

In other, happier, news we now have a niece! I got a message from my dad saying that Jim and Beki's daughter, Lucy Bleaux, was delivered by C-section today and everyone is doing great. More on that for sure! :)

Grow, garden, GROW!

This year's garden is really taking shape, despite the rampant morning glory carpet between the raised beds. I've even harvested a few pounds of potatoes left from a couple forgotten spuds last summer!

So far the garden has:

- Potatoes (red and white)

- Onions (red and yellow)

- Kale

- Tomatoes (sungold and red cherry)

- Spinach

- Beets

- Green Beans

- Butternut Squash

- Gold Zucchini

- Patty-Pan Squash

- Mini Red Bell Pepper

- Tomatillo

By the end of the week I'm hoping to plant some chard, yellow wax beans, and carrots. I have one small bed that is bordered with gladiolus which I haven't decided what to plant; probably something trellised since the space is so small.

I also have hopes to till and plant a small patch of sunflowers and wildflowers -and maybe throw in a few pumpkin seeds as well.

Oh, and the whole front yard clean-up and renovation. Oof. Lots of nice perennials to go in once it's ready (cosmos, scented geraniums, russian sage and more), but there's a lot of rose pruning and "wild rose" eradication that has to happen first. I have until the 22nd before my first shift starts, so here's hoping!

Who put my life in a blender and hit "frappe"?

Well, so much for this being a carefree blog.

I just finished up perhaps the most stressful week of my life to date...

- I developed a nagging cough and cold

- It was the last week of my cycle and I had terrible cramps

- Had a hectic commissary trip with Grandpa and Joanne

- Took care of neighbor's animals for a couple days

- Took a two-night shift to give Joanne a little break

- Happy started chewing his feet and went to the vet

- I turned 34

- Ian was diagnosed with lymphoma.

Oh, and I kind of forgot my daily regimen of 600mg of ibuprophen three times a day these last few days and it seems my nerve pain is just as bad as it was when I saw the physical therapist. So much for progress!

So yeah, it's been a lot to take in. We're doing well so far; lots of tests on the horizon. A full-torso CTscan on Monday, a consultation with the biopsy doctor in SF on Friday, then the PETscan on June 14th. I wish we didn't have to wait so long for that, but they said that's the earliest spot available. Too many questions at this point and not enough answers. There's plenty to be optimistic about though!

*dusting noises*

Well, seeing as I've had this account for three years I figure I better make some use of it.

I've always enjoyed journaling and the venting it enables is something I've missed with Facebook, and I have a feeling I could really use it in the times ahead. Just a few things that are on our menu: my recently diagnosed advanced ulnar neuritis; the ongoing caregiving for my Grandpa; supporting Ian as he begins three years of study to obtain his Bachelor's, and has surgery on his shoulder again; and planning for a demo/rebuild of our backporch/utility room.

That's enough for now, methinks!