OW OW OWWWWWW

I wonder if I'll ever be pain-free in my wrist and arm.

It seems the piano is lost to me (and not only because it went to its new home today), typing/mousing for more than 10 minutes or so is aggravating, any kind of house or yard work is just guaranteed for trouble. And creative ventures? I really haven't dared to try. Of course it doesn't help that I have very little inspirado-and what is there is fleeting.

But the sky and the yard and the air are so beautiful, and the puppies and the chickens and the goats all seem so happy and carefree, and there is such greatness and beauty and wonder to experience! So where can I fit in now with my adapted limitations? I still don't know! I can't yet see it!! I will get the answer, in time, I'm sure. But these past couple years have been so hard. So hard!

Pardon me while I vent my frustration over everything I've experienced and everything I've left undone.

So is this still "unresolved grief issues" or is this perhaps some lovely "unresolved anger issues", or is it simply Unexamined Life Issues? I'm thinking it's all tied up in that last one. Which is why I'm sure I would probably benefit from counseling. But ARGH I HATE having to peel back old wounds, much less having to scratch them ALL open again to have some stranger try and make sense of it all -when I sure as hell can't seem to.

I also probably shouldn't listen to moody piano music that I haven't listened to since Grandpa was still interested in hearing classical music, and why I shouldn't post so close to my cycle. And why I shouldn't have a swig of rum after not drinking for several months. Wrap that all up in a pipe and smoke it and see how productive and lucid you are.

And that's probably what's so frustrating!! I have all kinds of new ideas and things that need to be done but f if I can seem to carry it out -mentally or physically. I just want to lay out under the stars and have it all revealed!

Is that too much to ask?


In other news, our fence is finished. I have literally built a wall between myself and the happiest and safest place of my past. But it's not that place anymore. It really is the shell of what it once was; the heart, the family, has left it. And it is sad and painful to see. Every time I am there I find a new and deeper appreciation for what Grandma and Grandpa did to make it possible and to maintain it, and it's that much harder to see it empty and seemingly abandoned. I'm not sure what new tenants will mean. For one, it would mean I would no longer need to check on the place -indeed, I could no longer drop in or linger in the yard. But perhaps that would let/force me to say goodbye to it for real? Sometimes I think it would be best if it was cleared to the ground and the new tenants would start fresh. Sometimes I wish it would always be there, forever that haven of values and practicality and sense and hope.

God, I miss them.

I must be very damaged if I can't make my way through life at the age of nearly 35 without my mother, my grandmother, and my grandfather.